Dean's Got A Secret
by elfinblue
Summary: Long, angry author's rant about The Powers That Be continually recycling the same &# %! storylines over and over and over again, followed by a handful of drabbles mocking them. Pure crack. Rated T, for adult levels of weird


**Dean's Got A Secret**

A Drabble Series

by

_Elfinblue_

**Author's Rant:** I'm trying to use up my monthly wi-fi allotment before it rolls over in three days, since I have to pay for it whether I use it or not. So, earlier tonight, after watching some old cartoons on YouTube and trying (unsuccessfully) to watch The Big Bang Theory on my phone, I did a search on "Supernatural Season 9 spoilers" to see if anything new has come up in the last few days. What did I come up with? "DEAN'S GOT A SECRET!" It was Jeremy Carver, I think, who said something to the effect of "though it seems their relationship is on solid ground after the events in Sacrifice, Dean's keeping a secret that could rip them apart!" Jensen Ackles then went on to add that said secret had something to do with Sam and that it could "totally rip their relationship a new one". (I'm ranting from memory here so give me some leeway. My quotes may not be exact, but you get the gist.)

Seriously? They've been promising us all summer that they're going to be unified and that they're done with the brother vs. brother stuff and I'm pretty sure that at some point one of the bigwigs even said specifically that there would be no more secrets between them. And now they announce that Dean's keeping a secret. It involves Sam. It could tear them apart. Really? Like in season 2, when Dean was keeping a secret (about their father's last words) that involved Sam and could rip them apart? Or in 4, when Dean was keeping a secret (about what he did in hell - granted it didn't involve Sam) that could rip them apart? Or in 6, when Dean was keeping a secret (about what Sam did while he was soulless) that involved Sam and could rip them apart? Or in 7, when Dean was keeping a secret (about killing Sam's latest monster girlfriend) that involved Sam and could rip them apart? Or in 8, when Dean was keeping a secret (about Benny) that (sort of) involved Sam (as he was someone Sam wouldn't approve of) and _another_ secret (about what happened in Purgatory and why Cas wasn't back), either of which could rip them apart?

My friend told me she heard them talking about having enough material to keep going through seasons 19 and 20 even. Wonderful! Do you think if we give them 20 years they can maybe think up something new? I feel like they've been stringing us along all summer with false promises of brotherly unity and no more stupid angst, only so we'll be all happy and unsuspecting when they start shoveling regurgitated storylines down our throats come autumn. We're not baby birds, you know!*

The whole thing makes me angry. And tired. And really, really sad. If this was Fantasia, I'd totally be drowning in the swamps with Artax right now. It also makes me doubt everything TPTB say. There was a line in there somewhere about Dean having that epic battle we've all been begging for for years now (after they get past the first part of the angels falling stuff) but I don't believe them. We'll get all excited and it'll turn out to be thumb wrestling. Or a water balloon shoot-out. Or a bake-off with Paula Deen and Rachel Rae.

So. Dean's got a secret. I'd be laying on the floor, kicking my heels and banging my fists and screaming myself red in the face if it would help any. But it won't, so I'll do the only thing in my power. Ridicule them with drabbles. Please! Feel free to join me!

*Except for Deansbabybird, who I understand just had a birthday (as did I). Leos rule! Happy birthday and I shall eat an extra cupcake in your honor. :)

**Disclaimer: **I'm not really a witch so all the curses I'm hurling at The Powers That Be right now are probably harmless. If any of them get warts, though, I'm totally going to take credit.

**Dean's Got A Secret**

I. Drabble (100 words)

"It wasn't you, Sam. I keep telling you, you're not responsible for what you did when you didn't have a soul!"

"You knew?" Sam's voice was hurt and betrayed. "All this time you knew and you never thought to tell me?"

"I didn't think you needed to know. What good could possibly come of it?"

"So it's true, then? It's not just a mistake or a sick prank or a figment of my imagination? The picture's real? It really happened?"

Dean sighed and hung his head. "Yeah, Sam, it's really true. Soulless Sam had a torrid affair with the Octomom."

II. Drabble (100 words)

"How could you?"

"You were _dying_. I had a chance to save you. I took it. You can hate me for it if you want to, but I'd do it again in a heartbeat."

"So you made a deal with a pagan god?"

"Apollo was the god of medicine. He seemed a good choice."

"And he owns your soul now?"

"Not exactly."

"What, then?"

"The goddesses are having a festival. Hera demanded that he provide them with a offering."

"He's going to _sacrifice_ you?!"

"Sacrifice? Who said anything about sacrifice? They just needed a hot male stripper for the party."

III. Drabble-and-a-half (150 words. Can I do that?)

Dean fortified himself with another swig of Jack. "Okay, so what I never told you was, when you were with Ruby you, ah, sorta got her pregnant. Only the meatsuit she was riding was dead and couldn't accommodate the pregnancy so she smoked out and took her, uh, pregnantyness off to another host and left that host pregnant with your offspring."

Sam sat heavily, stunned. "I'm a father. I'm a father and you never told me. You bastard!"

"I know you're mad, but I didn't think you needed to know. And, listen, I've made sure they're well taken care of. I didn't abandon them. You wanna see a picture?"

Sam could only nod.

Dean, brimming with avuncular pride, produced a snapshot. "This is them with their mom. Mom's name is Muffy and your kids are Wuffles, Sneezy, Champ, Lassie, and Sir Barksalot. They've got your hair, Sam! And your eyes!"

IV. Drabble (100 words)

"You knew? When did you find out?"

Dean sighed. "I've always known, Sam. I remember Mom and Dad talking about it when you were first born."

"And you never thought to tell me?"

"I figured your life was complicated enough. Mom and Dad decided to raise you as a boy, and you seemed fine with that. Why make it an issue now?"

Sam sat still, blinking in shock and trying to come to terms with what he'd learned. "But . . . an hermaphrodite? Me? Really?"

"Yup. 'Fraid so. You were born with male sex organs and female hair follicles."

**Author's note part the second:** So, the last time I posted one of these drabble series I promised a real story next time. Just for the record, I _have_ started a real story. It's not going to be terribly long, three or four chapters maybe? And I'm going to try to finish it quickly. I'll finish the first chapter and post it later this evening, as soon as I get done whamming my head against the refrigerator over the whole "Dean's got a secret" thing. (Assuming I don't give myself brain damage).


End file.
